Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Sounds of the Wet City



Disclaimer: I think this is a poem, it was supposed to be anyway, I suppose it simply is just itself. It is meant to be spoken very slow, with varying strengths. There are a lot of breaks as well, allowing the listener/reader to soak in the thought. Also, I do love open land too, this was just a passing thought. Being born in such a busy area I have always loved these things about the city, and it would be hard to live without them. I'll probably keep working on it, in any case.


Silence? I hardly know the meaning,
Here it is always alive, moving, like rivers,
Even in the middle of the night you can hear it;
The distant whirr of cars on the interstate,
You can almost see the endless stream of lights

It is not silent now, as rain drips tapping
Off the sky, off the trees, off of our roof,
Into little pools on the ground;
Little pools, like us, all here together,
Huge, extensive, making up a mighty traffic river.

Silence is a myth here, too much life,
You can hear the playful screams of children
In the park or walking home from school,
Their feet jumping in the puddles; forging through,
And them, all sounding like a downpour.

Silence would feel wrong; taste wrong.
Like sweat sticky summer air, we are dense and compressed,
We are near each other, almost uncomfortably so,
But you get used to it, make the best of it,
Stopping for a mango with lime or cold water.

Silence would be like the desert; dry,
Not like the sweat dripping, sticky city afternoons,
The sun would miss the jackhammers, trucks, fountains, sounds,
Sitting in crowded pools, crammed in the lake, stuffed in buses,
Silence sounds so dry to me.

We couldn’t take to silence here, I think,
It’s deafening. Like a waterfall; never ending,
It would drive me mad with harsh noiseless noise,
I like life, the pools of people, standing at crosswalks, in cafe lines,
Like a saline drip, The wet and sweat of life and living

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Fly Away!

Psalm 55:6-8 
I said, “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!
    I would fly away and be at rest.
7 I would flee far away
    and stay in the desert;
8 I would hurry to my place of shelter,
    far from the tempest and storm.”

I finally broke down today, I knew it would happen eventually. I've been managing to stay cheerful and happy lately, but my feelings caught up to me tonight. After trying all weekend to find someone to sit and talk to, I found myself alone tonight, never having found someone. I ended up just breaking down in tears half way through working out. I am honestly feeling like a total failure right now. I can't find a job, I can't seem to make new friends to fill all these holes in my life, I can't stop mourning the ones I have recently lost, and I can lay claim on nothing in this entire world, except Jesus of course. And He is enough, He always is. But I hurt, and I am staving off the feelings of disrepair and pain, literally, I feel like I am wounded and fighting off vicious wolves with nothing but a stick. 
I wish I had a happy ending to write here, but I think the plan is to just fall helplessly into the arms of my loving Jesus for tonight, and pray that the morning brings some people to come around and support me, and feelings of joy. I know I am asking a lot, I certainly deserve none of that, but my God is a big God and I know He has the best for me. 
Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Gaining



Well, I haven’t done this in a while. But this week has been strange, and I am just trying to process it all. In some ways, I am only processing it in terms of gain and loss. This week I have lost my best friend to a faraway state, I am losing two more to far away living situations later this week, I am having trouble finding a job, my physical health is suffering (not as bad as I thought it would be though), and my heart hurts incredibly. However, I have gained new friends within the Youth and jr. high ministry’s, I have felt joy in serving them and helping them gain in Christ, I have gained some good time and conversation with my Lord and Savior, and feel closer to those friends who I have had to lean on in this time.

In the end, I feel the gain over the loss. Not that the loss doesn’t carry as much weight, but more that even through the loss I am learning and growing, so gaining essentially. Still, I feel like my heart is cut open and bleeding, and I just hold onto it and keep trying to serve and live. I hold onto that gain knowing that God brings joy with the morning, that He is in control, and that He comforts the afflicted. I am letting that thought just wash over me every time the hurt tries to sweep me away. So even in the pain, I am holding onto that joy, holding onto that hope. Even in the pain I am claiming victory in my life, through Jesus Christ. I will keep laughing, keep loving people, keep serving where I have been placed. Lord give me strength to do it.
To culminate this post, the bridge from a beautiful song called Give me Faith by Elevate Worship is my only conclusion to this long week:
"I may be weak
But your Spirit’s strong in me
My flesh may fail
My God you never will!"

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Abundant Grace





“A wretched, poor, and helpless worm, On Thy kind arms I fall.” These are the words found on the tomb of William Corey, brought to my attention by John Piper. As I read up on Corey I found that he is considered the father of modern missions. He was a poor man of poor health, in an era that decidedly didn’t believe in evangelism. Something changed in him though, a fire in his bones that made him want to be different, it made him passionate for telling others about Jesus. People thought he was mad, surly there were points where he thought he was going mad. Amazingly, it was his literal blood, sweat, and rivers of tears that forced open the gate of evangelism in India. He is one of my hero’s.
At first his epitaph horrified me, then it challenged me, finally it comforted me. I found that it is part of Hymn 2:90 by Isaac Watts. More importantly though, I spent an entire worship service bawling in absolute joy and gratitude, that I too; a wretched, poor and helpless worm, am able to fall with complete peace into the kind arms of my Lord. Even to death, when this life is over, and what little worthless rags I had I have offered to my God, He will wrap me in his arms and say “Well done, good and faithful servant”(Matt 25:21). What part of me is good? What part faithful? However, in Him I am covered in the blood of Christ, through Him I am good. May he never stop making, shaping, and changing me. May I never find myself at a lack of grateful love for His abiding goodness and mercy! Thank you Lord


More on Corey: http://www.donelsonav.org/pocket/pp-991003.html 

Friday, November 16, 2012

Fragrance




Fragrance
It is amazing what God can teach us through little everyday ordeals. Today I found myself standing, frustrated, and staring condescendingly at a small glass perfume container. The large gemstone that usually sat proudly on top, no longer furnished its sheik exterior. Furthermore, once found, it adamantly refused to be put back in its place. I lingered there, looking at the bottle with grim dissatisfaction. Luckily (before I decided to waste my time attempting to superglue it back on) I realized that the gaudy plastic stone meant absolutely nothing to me. Surprise! It was a sudden fit of clarity that reminded me how little the stone mattered in comparison to what was inside the bottle. I had hardly bought the perfume for its container, or the ornaments on it. I had, in fact, purchased if for the sweet smelling contents.
I smiled at my own foolishness as I threw the rock out. How often do I judge even myself on my outside appearance, or my presentation of myself? I am so careful to make good impressions; to be considerate and not to insult anyone. Why do I care so much what people think? If people are around me I hope it is for my inner sweetness, and the light of Christ in me, pouring out when it is needed. That they find pleasure in who I am, under all the pretense on the outside. Not to say I don’t need an outside, any more than my perfume doesn’t need a container, but it is useless if what is inside isn’t sweet and of far less importance.
This led me to another thought, if I could no longer access the perfume inside; should the mechanism break, the entire thing would be no use to me. If the sweetness inside is no longer accessible to me in any way (no matter how pretty the exterior), I would have no further use for it. It would still be perfume; however it would be making no more difference than undrinkable water in a jar. This idea is mirrored in many places in the Bible (ex. Matt 5:13-14, 23, John 15:2). This is something we need to be wary of in our own lives! We need to remain in God, and Him in us (John 15:4) and let our life shine as a light for others (Matt 5:16).


God forgive me, I know how often I sit before you showing you that same presence I show others, like some silly useless plastic rock, when all you desire is the sweet fragrance of my praise when I finally open up to you! May my life be like the perfume Mary poured on your feet, giving all as a sweet fragrance to you!