As I sit and think about applying for jobs starting tomorrow I am forced to take stock of my priorities. What I start now helps define my future, what I look for in the coming months guides how I will spend my life. The problem is, I just don’t know! So I start with what I do know, and that is what I DON'T want. I know that I don’t want to life a comfy suburb hidey-hole life. Not that it wouldn’t be wonderful; I just think there is so much more. I know I won’t be able to keep the fire and passion of God, that life will slip in and slowly drown out whatever ambition and desire I had. I can feel the icy water around me, saying I have to become just like everyone else, there is no other way. There must be though. Would I have such a strong desire if there wasn't a fulfillment for it? There must be a way I can be happy with a family, and still not succumb to a passionless normal life. While the thought is overwhelming right now, I do really want a family in the future, while keeping my passion and ministry.
The thought of finding a partner is daunting enough without requiring them to want to live out lifelong ministry too. I feel myself finding despair as I think about it. I know I must be overbearing sometimes, and I know I am not gorgeous, nor particularly funny (as you begin to see why I shouldn't ever write a dating profile, hahaha). To get a catch of a guy like that; with godly character, motivation, and passion, will be a miracle. Luckily I believe in miracles, and I know the job will come, and the home. Just looking at the future and not having a clue where I will even be in a month… is literally chilling me to the bone. I am scared, I feel like my world is breaking up over and over, and there is no one that can calm me down.
God save me. Protect me. I don’t know where I am going, or how to get there, but lead and guide me. I thought fear was behind me, but the extremely vague idea I have about the future is like a nightmare. I shy from even thinking about it. I don’t know how to be an adult and take this thing, but I know I have to. For you Lord, I will do anything. Show me the way.