Sunday, August 3, 2014


As I sit and think about applying for jobs starting tomorrow I am forced to take stock of my priorities. What I start now helps define my future, what I look for in the coming months guides how I will spend my life. The problem is, I just don’t know! So I start with what I do know, and that is what I DON'T want. I know that I don’t want to life a comfy suburb hidey-hole life. Not that it wouldn’t be wonderful; I just think there is so much more. I know I won’t be able to keep the fire and passion of God, that life will slip in and slowly drown out whatever ambition and desire I had. I can feel the icy water around me, saying I have to become just like everyone else, there is no other way. There must be though. Would I have such a strong desire if there wasn't a fulfillment for it? There must be a way I can be happy with a family, and still not succumb to a passionless normal life. While the thought is overwhelming right now, I do really want a family in the future, while keeping my passion and ministry.
The thought of finding a partner is daunting enough without requiring them to want to live out lifelong ministry too. I feel myself finding despair as I think about it. I know I must be overbearing sometimes, and I know I am not gorgeous, nor particularly funny (as you begin to see why I shouldn't ever write a dating profile, hahaha). To get a catch of a guy like that; with godly character, motivation, and passion, will be a miracle. Luckily I believe in miracles, and I know the job will come, and the home. Just looking at the future and not having a clue where I will even be in a month… is literally chilling me to the bone. I am scared, I feel like my world is breaking up over and over, and there is no one that can calm me down.
God save me. Protect me. I don’t know where I am going, or how to get there, but lead and guide me. I thought fear was behind me, but the extremely vague idea I have about the future is like a nightmare. I shy from even thinking about it. I don’t know how to be an adult and take this thing, but I know I have to. For you Lord, I will do anything. Show me the way.  

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

United and Unstoppable

This week was amazing; I am inspired and challenged by the youth I work with (not that this is unusual). Most people would have just sat back when they were told that their church service would be canceled due to severe weather. They’d say “hey, it’s risky, not a big problem.” Not our youth, they wanted a service, they wanted to say goodbye to two of our exiting leaders, and they wouldn’t take “no” (However, they did this respectfully and went right to the youth pastor, thank goodness)… Given the ultimatum that we would try if they could get 50 people to come, I watched them work together, encourage, and fight to make this happen. And within a few hours it was done, amazingly. Worrying for them, my first thought was keeping them safe, but I could hear God’s voice gently saying He was glad they were willing to risk. Their willingness to risk and fight for church services is something strong churches have had for centuries. He was glad they were fighting together, bonding to make things happen is essential in His family. In the end, we hybrid the Wednesday night service to allow everyone to worship together, and say goodbye. Safe and they got what they needed. I was blessed to be worship alongside them, blessed that they took ownership to make it happen.

So to them: May you never stop thinking it’s worth the risk, worth being a rebel, worth the challenge. May you always stick together, fighting for your friends and loved ones. May you constantly seek God, pray, and timer in scriptures. And may you have the spirit of the friends who broke through a roof to get their friend to Jesus (Mark 2), not letting anything stop you from getting to Him. 
Every blessing to you all for years to come. I can’t wait to see the amazing men and woman of God you become!
Thank you!

Thursday, October 17, 2013

More life

I’m not sure it ever looks the way we think it will in ministry. I’ve learned to not only expect more from God than I can visualize, but also that it will happen differently than I expected. That’s not discouraging though, God always wow’s me with what He has planned. I’ve found it’s always been more than I can do without Him, but never more than I can do with Him. Ever faithful!
Even in these last few months He has come through for my ministry more than I could ever expect. In our own weakness He is so strong. In my own lack, He has an overabundance. With the extreme highs, and extreme lows, this month has been a roller coaster. I can say with confidence though, He will provide, even the things I need but can’t get right now.
I can’t explain how broken I felt the other afternoon, feeling so isolated from people, and having been left so empty from everything. It had probably been almost two months since someone had wanted my company other than just to get help with something. I just wanted more, it felt like starving. I wanted deeper experience at church, deeper friendships, deeper life, and I had no idea how to get it. I wanted to not feel used by everyone. He was there with me though. Looking up through the tears He told me He would provide, and I trust Him. I don’t have all those things today, but what I do have today is hope, and it feels so good. I fasting the next morning, and just allowing Him to feed me that “more.” A few days later two friends reached out, wanting to spend time with me, just because. I feel blessed. 

As I prepare for new decisions, for a new year and think about desire, I keep asking myself and God, what is it I want? What do I need and desire from this experience?
-To make a difference
-To let God use me and my gifts
-To change
-To draw my church into serving, to help them find a desire for it themselves
-To help the youth see the world in a different way, and give them the opportunity to see options for their life they may have not considered before.
-To see God and His heart more clearly. 

What do I want? More. More than all of that. More than this world has. 
C.S. Lewis, in Mere Christianity says, "Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires exists... If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world". In the end I know everything of this world will leave me hungry, starving for more God, ready for real home. Ready for heaven. But I thank God for giving me what I do have, and providing what I really need.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Who Am I?

I have a letter on my desk, I wrote it to myself while I was at work last week. It says,
No one is “just a,” When the homeless guy walks in, don’t think “oh, it’s just a homeless guy,” Greet him like everyone else, he’s a person, a soul. EVERYONE is important and worth my time and love.
Maybe you can understand the trouble I’ve been having. Every day, we have the same homeless guy come in and take a free sample. In the beginning I would greet him, but I started just ignoring him. Maybe getting a little frustrated, it took me time to put those out, and he just comes and takes one... Every day! It was the day that I thought to my high and mighty self “ugg, it’s just the homeless guy again.” I could literally feel myself looking down on him. I made myself sick.
Did I really think I was better than him? How could I be that judgmental? I reminded me that I was doing that some of my customers did to me; look down on someone. It’s the worst feeling when someone does it to you. We are all children of God, and Jesus says “Whoever welcomes this little child in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me welcomes the one who sent me. For it is the one who is least among you all who is the greatest.” Luke 9:48. The Kingdom of Heaven looks at people differently, and if we claim to be part of that, we need to look at people differently too. A short story by Flannery O’Connor called Revelation, shows a woman who is judgmental seeing a vision of souls marching to Heaven. To her dismay, her and the “proper” people she approves of being at the BACK of the line, and the people she felt were beneath her at the front!
I know humility is not something well thought of in modern America, our fiercely independent selves wholeheartedly fight for our superiority. We daily have to prove we are the best, and deserve our positions/grades/places. When life is ranked and scored and paid according to best and better, it is hard to look at someone and just see a soul. It is essential that we break out of that though (me especially! No one likes a good grade more than me). We need to really SEE people.

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Kiss from Heaven

It was a long day, mostly full of being an adult even when I didn’t want to. I got home upset, tired, and sore from a pulled muscle, and sat on my bed to prepare for having coffee with a friend. Taking deep breaths I readied myself to do my thing; listen, have good questions for them, and serve/uplift them in any way I could. You can imagine how surprised I was then, when they beat me to it! My friend insisted on driving, opening doors, making me go first, and even bought my coffee and pastry. They sat patiently listening to me, and asking about my life. My friend really truly cared! Sitting here now, I could just about cry thinking about how weird and fantastic it felt to have someone actually care about me the way I usually care about others (and probably do it better!). It was like I was special. Really special, someone worthy of special attention. I felt totally unworthy of such love. Even if it never happens again, I savored every moment. I was so blessed, it was like a kiss from heaven. I'll make sure to pass that on to others. :)