Sunday, March 29, 2009

Though I have never seen a jackrabbit in person, I get the idea that they are nervous and twitchy. If you can picture a jackrabbit, then picture me, then you see how weird it is for me to be acting like a jackrabbit. Since pacing around with a glazed look in my eyes fidgeting with whatevers in my hand isn’t my preferred state of being I will explain how I found myself in this condition.
First, this week I drove over 17 hours, several of which were very stressful (do to evil mapquest). I then proceeded to sleep three hours that night, paint the side of a cabin, do an obstacle/teamwork course, shoot hoops, etc., then drive more. Then, to top it off, I return home to find that a friend had broken their relationship with another friend. I could say I have never felt so hurt, but that would be a lie. But I am not lying when I say it was and is very painful. At first I was mad, and then I was just very sad. I feel torn in two pieces. Loving someone shouldn’t ever feel like betraying someone else. I am so afraid one or both will stop coming to church, I am afraid they will want me to choose a side, I am afraid they will hurt another mutual friends through their tearing, I am just afraid.
I feel so bad, burdening the people I did with my pain. I didn’t mean to, but when I found all this out, I wasn’t even at home. I kept it in as long as I could, then locked myself in their bathroom so they wouldn’t see me cry. I hate feeling broken, I just want to fly away

MySpace Icons


So many words
Can show you I hurt
Rending and tearing,
Feeling like dirt

Like a great weight
A knife through my chest
A destroying fire
Feeling unrest

Im damaged, marred
Impaired and upset
Consuming darkness
Finding me yet

Im broken and
Grieving, defeated
Im crushed, into my
Shell, unheaded

Please understand
I don’t mean to sigh
Its just I am hurt
And I won’t lie

Monday, March 2, 2009


About five min. ago I decided to be a good blogger and tell the world about my feelings, which would be the worst mistake of my life if I weren't the only one who reads this. So here goes:
It started last night, a feeling I have never had before. It is a feeling of excited expectancy, or something like it. This, of course, is not a terribly odd or eccentric feeling except that I have no idea what I am expecting. I feel as though my heart has inexplicably moved over and created more space within me. I is not a feeling of emptiness though, with Jesus I never experience that. It is more like there is extra space now, and it is being reserved for something beautiful. As I lay in bed last night I thought over what kind of things are beautiful to me, things I could fill this space with. I did some writing (which I may post later), which made me happy, but didn't fulfill this feeling. I looked at picture of horses, which usually makes me feel fuller/happier, but it didn't do the trick. I love my family and friends, and they make me feel whole, but they still didn't quite make me feel comfortable. I don't understand what I am waiting for, but it is maddening. I feel a edgy; or ready. For what I don't know though! With any luck this feeling will either go away, or I will find what I am looking for. I just wish I had a clue as to what IT is.
ANYWAY, that is my rant-on-record. Needed to get it out. :)


Here is a quote from the movie The Holiday(2006, with Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jude Law, and Jack Black) which I find to be amazingly insightful:

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual.... These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms.