Sunday, January 20, 2013

Fly Away!

Psalm 55:6-8 
I said, “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!
    I would fly away and be at rest.
I would flee far away
    and stay in the desert;
I would hurry to my place of shelter,
    far from the tempest and storm.”

I finally broke down today, I knew it would happen eventually. I've been managing to stay cheerful and happy lately, but my feelings caught up to me tonight. After trying all weekend to find someone to sit and talk to, I found myself alone tonight, never having found someone. I ended up just breaking down in tears half way through working out. I am honestly feeling like a total failure right now. I can't find a job, I can't seem to make new friends to fill all these holes in my life, I can't stop mourning the ones I have recently lost, and I can lay claim on nothing in this entire world, except Jesus of course. And He is enough, He always is. But I hurt, and I am staving off the feelings of disrepair and pain, literally, I feel like I am wounded and fighting off vicious wolves with nothing but a stick. 
I wish I had a happy ending to write here, but I think the plan is to just fall helplessly into the arms of my loving Jesus for tonight, and pray that the morning brings some people to come around and support me, and feelings of joy. I know I am asking a lot, I certainly deserve none of that, but my God is a big God and I know He has the best for me. 
Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Saturday, January 5, 2013


Well, I haven’t done this in a while. But this week has been strange, and I am just trying to process it all. In some ways, I am only processing it in terms of gain and loss. This week I have lost my best friend to a faraway state, I am losing two more to far away living situations later this week, I am having trouble finding a job, my physical health is suffering (not as bad as I thought it would be though), and my heart hurts incredibly. However, I have gained new friends within the Youth and jr. high ministry’s, I have felt joy in serving them and helping them gain in Christ, I have gained some good time and conversation with my Lord and Savior, and feel closer to those friends who I have had to lean on in this time.

In the end, I feel the gain over the loss. Not that the loss doesn’t carry as much weight, but more that even through the loss I am learning and growing, so gaining essentially. Still, I feel like my heart is cut open and bleeding, and I just hold onto it and keep trying to serve and live. I hold onto that gain knowing that God brings joy with the morning, that He is in control, and that He comforts the afflicted. I am letting that thought just wash over me every time the hurt tries to sweep me away. So even in the pain, I am holding onto that joy, holding onto that hope. Even in the pain I am claiming victory in my life, through Jesus Christ. I will keep laughing, keep loving people, keep serving where I have been placed. Lord give me strength to do it.
To culminate this post, the bridge from a beautiful song called Give me Faith by Elevate Worship is my only conclusion to this long week:
"I may be weak
But your Spirit’s strong in me
My flesh may fail
My God you never will!"