Thursday, October 17, 2013

More life

I’m not sure it ever looks the way we think it will in ministry. I’ve learned to not only expect more from God than I can visualize, but also that it will happen differently than I expected. That’s not discouraging though, God always wow’s me with what He has planned. I’ve found it’s always been more than I can do without Him, but never more than I can do with Him. Ever faithful!
Even in these last few months He has come through for my ministry more than I could ever expect. In our own weakness He is so strong. In my own lack, He has an overabundance. With the extreme highs, and extreme lows, this month has been a roller coaster. I can say with confidence though, He will provide, even the things I need but can’t get right now.
I can’t explain how broken I felt the other afternoon, feeling so isolated from people, and having been left so empty from everything. It had probably been almost two months since someone had wanted my company other than just to get help with something. I just wanted more, it felt like starving. I wanted deeper experience at church, deeper friendships, deeper life, and I had no idea how to get it. I wanted to not feel used by everyone. He was there with me though. Looking up through the tears He told me He would provide, and I trust Him. I don’t have all those things today, but what I do have today is hope, and it feels so good. I fasting the next morning, and just allowing Him to feed me that “more.” A few days later two friends reached out, wanting to spend time with me, just because. I feel blessed. 

As I prepare for new decisions, for a new year and think about desire, I keep asking myself and God, what is it I want? What do I need and desire from this experience?
-To make a difference
-To let God use me and my gifts
-To change
-To draw my church into serving, to help them find a desire for it themselves
-To help the youth see the world in a different way, and give them the opportunity to see options for their life they may have not considered before.
-To see God and His heart more clearly. 

What do I want? More. More than all of that. More than this world has. 
C.S. Lewis, in Mere Christianity says, "Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires exists... If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world". In the end I know everything of this world will leave me hungry, starving for more God, ready for real home. Ready for heaven. But I thank God for giving me what I do have, and providing what I really need.