Friday, August 31, 2012

Of Little Importance

For a brief moment today I thought to myself, "how strange I am!" Despite how I present, as keeping up with pop culture, I am surprisingly knowledge deficient. Ask me who won what, or what actor was in the movie I just watched, or what game is coming out and you will be met with a blank stare as I furiously try and dig the information out. Usually to no avail. I never follow stars, I never sit out in the wee hours of the morning waiting for a shop to open so I can buy something, I don’t care for midnight showings of movies, and I would never scream for a famous person. Don’t get me wrong! I enjoy many things. I’ll watch a game, movie, or t.v. show and enjoy it. There are even a few show I have seen all off. I have been known to play games occasionally and find them fun and fascinating. I love music and dance. However, there are few things I follow (and nothing I have yet thought of). What’s wrong with me? Everyone seems to know more about music, movies, t.v., culture, etc. than I do. It was only a moment after I asked myself this exact question that I realized, nothing! Nothing is wrong with me. I do truly love and interest myself in a few things. I spend my time following God, seeking Him, knocking to find the door open. If I yell, it’s for him, if I stand out in the wee hours of the morning it’s to do something for him. I don’t follow the lives of celebrities because I follow the lives of my friends. I am intimately interested in their day to day lives. I don’t care who wins what sport or game, because I really only care that I am making a difference in the lives of those around me.That other people are winning, and I am there to give them what I can.
I am not saying that my friends, who do remember such things, are any worse off. I find that most of them have a better capacity for memory than I do, and just manage to retain this information easily, when I cannot. (thank goodness, they can bail me out when I have no idea what someone is talking about). So essentially if something IS wrong with me, it is more along the lines of not paying attention or failing to remember information I find irrelevant.Could be worse.
Again, do not hear me wrong. I am not saying all these things are bad, many of them are good and we should enjoy them. What I am saying is, it is of no worth to put stock in them. Wise people put their time and energy into things that are worthwhile and eternal. The world is big, and filled with suffering, God is bigger and filled with compassion. We shouldn't be following or attached to things that have no worth. If I have little attachment to the things of this world I am far better off and better equipped to be His hands and feet. Its still a process. Attachment pops up everywhere. I know that I need to constantly reevaluate what is important to me, and I hope you will as well.

P.S. This happened to be my devotion verse for the day, :)  
 1 John 2:15-17
“Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them.  For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world.  The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Struggle for Direction, Peace, and Change

So many of my friends have been writing blogs, and poetry today, I figured I would hop on the train and see where it goes. If nothing else, it will help me clear my head. 
          If I had to give a word for the past few months it’s been uncertainty. I was sure when I finished school I would be relieved. I mean, I was done! I had reached my goal and should be proud. However, when I finished I actually felt a little confused. I have always had a direction, at least until this moment. It’s hard to feel like you don’t exactly know where you are going, and right now I don’t even have my diploma, so I have no ability to change that. So, directionless and temporarily stuck. Not to mention more than one person who I thought was solid in my life has either had big things come up themselves, or has not ended up being as solid as I needed. Another reminder that God is the only one who doesn’t fail you, as much as I need people, they can’t be the strength I need, we are all just human.
I would like to think that I have been trusting God through this whole process, but it’s a little in and out. I do trust Him, in general, but still, anxiety quickly gets the better of me when I am not watching myself.  The hard part is that I know who I want to be, what I want to be, I just don’t know how to get there. Once I wrote a story, about a girl who needed help with her heart. Jesus walks up to her, and she gives it to Him, asking him to fix the poor broken, dirty thing. But when it starts to hurt, when it takes a long time, she begins to get impatient and takes it back. I think impatience is something I struggle with. While usually mild, I do have my moments of panic, and with my flair for the dramatic and adrenalin overzealous body, occasionally things get a bit out of proportion. (And even now, while I feel mostly the peace of a day spent with God, in the pit of my stomach I feel a deep sadness because I may have scared away someone I care about). While I have a high tolerance for quietness and aloneness, I like to have it on my terms. My patience wears thin when I can no longer control its boundaries. I like to know where I am going, have some say in how it happens, and it to not take too long. Demanding, I know, poor life never had a chance. 
Something I keep learning though, is I don’t need control, or really even want the results of a life I control. I am pretty useless on my own, and tend to make a mess of things. What can I say? I am so human sometimes. But I keep hearing God, reaching out in tenderness when I cry. He sits with me, and teaches me. Sometimes it’s a bit of a smack, but always in love, and always what I need. I guess I need to trust and be patient; that He is making me into the person I need to be. Last night I felt so useless, so totally human. Today I feel stronger, I remember I am a beautiful creation of God’s and have a hopeful, useful future. So I take up my cross, today and every day, and remember who I am. I am a child of God, a servant of the Most High, and a little girl who must die to her flesh daily. So I humbly ask, “Lord, where shall I go today? Lead me, either in body or in spirit, where I need to go. Do not leave me to wonder, but guide me daily. I will be patient, waiting on you.”