Sunday, March 29, 2009

Though I have never seen a jackrabbit in person, I get the idea that they are nervous and twitchy. If you can picture a jackrabbit, then picture me, then you see how weird it is for me to be acting like a jackrabbit. Since pacing around with a glazed look in my eyes fidgeting with whatevers in my hand isn’t my preferred state of being I will explain how I found myself in this condition.
First, this week I drove over 17 hours, several of which were very stressful (do to evil mapquest). I then proceeded to sleep three hours that night, paint the side of a cabin, do an obstacle/teamwork course, shoot hoops, etc., then drive more. Then, to top it off, I return home to find that a friend had broken their relationship with another friend. I could say I have never felt so hurt, but that would be a lie. But I am not lying when I say it was and is very painful. At first I was mad, and then I was just very sad. I feel torn in two pieces. Loving someone shouldn’t ever feel like betraying someone else. I am so afraid one or both will stop coming to church, I am afraid they will want me to choose a side, I am afraid they will hurt another mutual friends through their tearing, I am just afraid.
I feel so bad, burdening the people I did with my pain. I didn’t mean to, but when I found all this out, I wasn’t even at home. I kept it in as long as I could, then locked myself in their bathroom so they wouldn’t see me cry. I hate feeling broken, I just want to fly away

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So many words
Can show you I hurt
Rending and tearing,
Feeling like dirt

Like a great weight
A knife through my chest
A destroying fire
Feeling unrest

Im damaged, marred
Impaired and upset
Consuming darkness
Finding me yet

Im broken and
Grieving, defeated
Im crushed, into my
Shell, unheaded

Please understand
I don’t mean to sigh
Its just I am hurt
And I won’t lie

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