Monday, January 2, 2012

Draft of testimony

Putting together a rough draft of my testimony. I will probably think of other things, and take some of this out. Still deciding. Not that saying so matters, since I'm the only one who reads this, and if I can't remember simple mental notes, I should probably just give up. the point, "Blog, remind me to finish this!"

Fear, it’s such a human emotion. In our fear we are transparent, showing ourselves in all of our humanness. We can become very ugly or very noble in that moment or time of fear, and our reaction one way or the other tells us so much about ourselves. In one sense, I am probably the expert on this subject, in another, I have only scratched the surface of it. The reason I say that I know all about this is because fear has been a part of my life for a very long time. In part it is medical, but I don’t claim that it can all be explained as such. I do have an adrenalin condition; it is associated with my joint/autonomic nervous system disorder. This causes my body to react in extreme panic or action, to situations that stress me. On top of that, I have a ridiculously vivid imagination, I overthink, and have had an experience in early childhood that… let’s just say, caused me to conclude men, (and possibly all people) were not ever worthy of my trust.

Fear. Fear usually does one of two things to people, it either causes them to stand their ground and fight for their life, or it causes them to flee and attempt to get out of the problem. While in some extreme cases fleeing can be beneficial, figurative flight usually means progress is stopped, inertia sets in, and the full and fruitful life that God has planned is not being fulfilled. Life is struggle, life is hard, but we are brave because we are called to be so. For me, traveling to another country, the inner city, or even on a date creates so much stress on my body I often end the day shaking uncontrollably. My fear level reached it’s peak when I was a young teen, and I stared having panic attacks. I stopped being able to even walk alone a few blocks away, in daylight. I was afraid about understanding my school work, I was afraid my parents were going to get a divorce, I was scared of being hurt, scared of men, scared I had no future, scared that no one loved me, and I was scared that I was ugly/boring/annoying and maybe unlovable. I hated feeling week. I hated it so much. So incredibly much that, to relieve the intense fear taking hold of my life, I started cutting. Not a lot, not very noticeable, but I did it. In the moment it made the terror and pain ease, but I found that it only came back the next day. By the time I realized what a trap this was, I was addicted, stuck. I started giving in, I stopped fighting, I was fleeing. Depression and apathy began to drown me and I found that I was running from stresses, people, and even from Gods plan in my life. At one point, it got so bad in my house, and with my friends, that I sat in my backyard, in the dark, weeping and holding a pair of scissors to my wrist. I am not sure what I had thought it would accomplish, only that I hurt so bad and was so scared. Life was out of control and I didn’t know what else to do. But again, the sweet whisper of my savior reached my ears again. My best friend. I didn’t do it. Obviously, because I am still here. But it brought me to a breaking point, I knew something had to change. Like most change, it had its ups and downs, but God struggled right alongside of me. I stopped fleeing, and started fighting. I fought for that promise what we could live life, and that more abundantly (John 10:10 KJV). I had held to fear for so long as if it, of all things, would keep me safe. When I let that go and clung to my savior, I found true safety.

Hope and faith, these are the two things that counteract fear. Hope, that in Christ we CAN do all things, leaving worry pointless. Faith; that Jesus is Lord, He has a plan for us, and we will be with Him eternally. What else matters then? When I finally decided to let it go in God’s hands, I found peace, passing all of my understanding of peace. I still find fear, but God has taught me bravery through hope and faith in Him. Through the years, God has helped me deal with the underlying fear, and even to use the adrenalin, in moderation, as a helpful thing. God has redeemed even terrible, fearful situations, so that I am stronger now. I desire to live my life going from strength to strength until I stand before my God in Zion (Psalms 84), and I believe it is possible.

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