Monday, August 13, 2012

Struggle for Direction, Peace, and Change

So many of my friends have been writing blogs, and poetry today, I figured I would hop on the train and see where it goes. If nothing else, it will help me clear my head. 
          If I had to give a word for the past few months it’s been uncertainty. I was sure when I finished school I would be relieved. I mean, I was done! I had reached my goal and should be proud. However, when I finished I actually felt a little confused. I have always had a direction, at least until this moment. It’s hard to feel like you don’t exactly know where you are going, and right now I don’t even have my diploma, so I have no ability to change that. So, directionless and temporarily stuck. Not to mention more than one person who I thought was solid in my life has either had big things come up themselves, or has not ended up being as solid as I needed. Another reminder that God is the only one who doesn’t fail you, as much as I need people, they can’t be the strength I need, we are all just human.
I would like to think that I have been trusting God through this whole process, but it’s a little in and out. I do trust Him, in general, but still, anxiety quickly gets the better of me when I am not watching myself.  The hard part is that I know who I want to be, what I want to be, I just don’t know how to get there. Once I wrote a story, about a girl who needed help with her heart. Jesus walks up to her, and she gives it to Him, asking him to fix the poor broken, dirty thing. But when it starts to hurt, when it takes a long time, she begins to get impatient and takes it back. I think impatience is something I struggle with. While usually mild, I do have my moments of panic, and with my flair for the dramatic and adrenalin overzealous body, occasionally things get a bit out of proportion. (And even now, while I feel mostly the peace of a day spent with God, in the pit of my stomach I feel a deep sadness because I may have scared away someone I care about). While I have a high tolerance for quietness and aloneness, I like to have it on my terms. My patience wears thin when I can no longer control its boundaries. I like to know where I am going, have some say in how it happens, and it to not take too long. Demanding, I know, poor life never had a chance. 
Something I keep learning though, is I don’t need control, or really even want the results of a life I control. I am pretty useless on my own, and tend to make a mess of things. What can I say? I am so human sometimes. But I keep hearing God, reaching out in tenderness when I cry. He sits with me, and teaches me. Sometimes it’s a bit of a smack, but always in love, and always what I need. I guess I need to trust and be patient; that He is making me into the person I need to be. Last night I felt so useless, so totally human. Today I feel stronger, I remember I am a beautiful creation of God’s and have a hopeful, useful future. So I take up my cross, today and every day, and remember who I am. I am a child of God, a servant of the Most High, and a little girl who must die to her flesh daily. So I humbly ask, “Lord, where shall I go today? Lead me, either in body or in spirit, where I need to go. Do not leave me to wonder, but guide me daily. I will be patient, waiting on you.”

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