Sunday, October 14, 2012

Life, Worth, and Something Like the Art of Being Busy

I’m good at busy, unfortunately. I can fill my schedule like a pro, right to the brink of insanity. It started when I got into college at sixteen. Being home-schooled I felt like maybe I owed life a little extra work, and I wanted to succeed, so I learned quickly. Chicago-land is a good place to learn the art of busy, everyone knows the gig, and those too slow get left behind. Somehow my life seemed to feel so successful being busy. School, study, working out, Bible study, friends, cleaning, housekeeping/cooking (with mom working/in school), reading, church, volunteering, and in my (non-esixtant) spare time nanny-ing (from 3:30-8am for a while). Somewhere in all of that apparently I started finding or defining my self-worth with my accomplishments. My merit went up and down with my productivity.
Suddenly... I am graduated. Here I am, looking for a job, finding myself at a bit of a loss. What do I do? Doesn't matter, and I'll tell you why: It struck me, or rather God struck me, with a word about my worth. He told me I am worth something to Him; that in Him and through Him, I am beautiful and worthwhile. Furthermore, even if I couldn’t walk, or talk, or do anything “useful,” I am still worthwhile. It makes sense, sort of, and I know that it is true. Judging my own worth by my works is a habit well worth kicking. The Bible says in Isaiah 64:6 “All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags.” Compared to God, even what we accomplish is worth nothing, however, in and through Him all that we are is worthwhile. What we “do” is just the practice of our faith and carrying out of His plan for us, it isn’t “proving” our worth to the world.
The point is, I am going to stop judging me by what I get done. I can’t make other people see my innate worth, but that is ok. I don’t have to prove myself to men, I don’t have to validate my continued attendance on this planet. God will give me what work He desires me to do, at the right time. Until then, I will do what He has asked me in this space of time, even if it seems menial to me. Pressure off. See? Learning to be Weird, thanks Craig Groechel.

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