Pondering

I stood, yesterday, in front of our counter top stove pouring fruit into a cup for breakfast, feeling oddly ponderous. I guess it was the moody atmosphere that gray days give off, or maybe it was how much quicker life seems to be moving lately. I feel a little lost sometimes, maybe I was never meant to live such a fast passed life. Its on days that the world moves this fast, that I can’t help feeling a little scared. The future seems to clear sometimes, like I can almost reach out and touch it. But other times, it feels like its in a fog, and if I loose my step I may never find it again. It scares me to think that I may never find a partner willing to give their life to other people, and that I may be all alone. I really don’t know if I am strong enough for that. But I know there is no other way for me, I could never be happy doing anything else. So many people unconsciously devote their life to evil, and hurting others, I feel like it is only fair that I give mine to love, and healing others. But what can I do against so much pain, anger, and hate? I am just me. But God is my strength, and by His grace, I will make a difference in this world. I must.

I don’t spend much time thinking about cliché’s like destiny or fate, but it’s a little like that, I think. Not that I have to do anything, but that it is the only thing I could feel completely fulfilled doing. I don’t want to have gravestone the only thing I leave behind to the world. I can’t take anything with me when I die, that’s true, but I can leave things. I can help people, love them, and that love will go through them to others. I can be a part of some bigger picture. Sometimes I wonder if I died tomorrow if I would be happy with what I left behind? I don’t think I would be. I am afraid that I can be unkind, sometimes I hurt others. I wish so much, that I could take back those hurtful words. But I know I cannot.

May I continue grow, in kindness and love, that in my pain I won't hurt others.