Aloneness

Aloneness in interesting, because it means so many different things; it can be a physical reality or a perception of reality. It can relate to real objects or ones relation to those objects. In Existential therapy, aloneness can even be a good thing, it is thought that one must be alone, knowing themselves very well, before they can be good for another person. Aloneness can be frustrating though, because the feeling of aloneness can be present even when the reality isn’t. You can be alone I a crowded room. Aloneness, in this sense, is more like the opposite of closeness in a personal relationship, the lack of someone to lean on and confide in.

          For years (since freshman year of high-school at least) I have been a part of a tight-knit group of friends, and always having someone to be with. We had adventures, we laughed together and cried together, we lived; REALLY lived, and then real life started. So, for the first time in many years, I am alone. The few of those I love that are still close in proximity are distant in reality because of business. While this feeling has prevailed for several months now I have felt it acutely this week since my childhood best friend is in town for a few days. It’s so nice to have her, but I know in only short days the knife cut of distance comes in between us again. Then the loneliness will feel deeper and thicker, it always does. I’ll have to get used to it again.

          Don’t get me wrong, I am not depressed, I have plenty of people on the outskirts of my life, but God is not bringing anyone into my core circle right now (excepting one, me and God are still arguing about that, apparently I am not very trusting of other people, a post for another time.) It’s hard because I organize my thoughts best when I am taking to someone else, and I love having someone to have adventures with. I am not well suited for aloneness. This place that was home feels less like home now without the my friends. I content myself with church volunteering and work but there is still something missing. I guess I just desire for one person to be close to, someone I can trust, someone to care about who cares about me. But having a group again would be nice too. Maybe I won’t find it here. Maybe the time is coming soon to move on, I feel like it is. I know I am never alone with Christ though, and I cling to that, even when I have no one else near.