Monday, April 22, 2013

Focus on the Heartbeat

Tonight I heard it, or felt it, almost tasted it even. What was "it"? The closest thing I can describe it as, was the heartbeat of God. It felt like I had reached out and touched the pulse of the world in all of its fast pace, the good and the bad. In my mind I could see cities and neighborhoods. I saw all ages, people, even countries worlds away. I could briefly hear the singing of a distant third world church. I felt connected to them in a way I have not felt ever before. With all this came this immense feeling of peace for people, and a desire to help. I held no grudges, felt no anger. There was an abounding love pouring into and out of me. The most astonishing thing to be was the feeling of detachment though. In the past I have always been a person who wants to please others, live up to their expectations, to have life planned. Tonight I let them all go. Every expectation for my life, every desire I have had, I put it down. I smile even now as I type, feeling the dust or travel on my feet. I know I am not home. I felt for a moment like a wanderer, taking the opportunities to love as they came, not attached to a plan or agenda. We always come to the thrown lonely, naked, and poor, and I am not different, coming into this world with nothing. The Bible says to the lukewarm church in Rev 3: “You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. 18 I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.” And once he has clothed us, loved us, and given us a place with Him, He asks that we bring others to Him so he can do the same for them.
I felt my call again, a desire to do the work of the Lord with all my life. It was like an echo of a song I couldn’t resist. I let everything go, not in a way where I don’t care or give up. I don’t feel apathy or darkness, the way I usually deal with pain or fear. I felt hope! I felt like nothing people expected of me mattered, and nothing I expected of me mattered either. I feel like I can go anywhere, and do anything as I am called. Right now though He asked me to wait, to love where there was opportunity, to keep my eyes focused on Him. I asked for His plan, but He told me to just take it as it comes. I have never felt so free. Though a small part of me wants to know what He is going to do, most of me just sighs in relief. I can feel joy tingling through me. Joy really does come after pain. God has changed me, and I don’t want to go back, not ever. He told me I would be grounded in His plan again soon enough, but still free. I am Christina, far from home, belonging only to God, waiting for marching orders.  I hope you hear the heartbeat, I want to hear it again, hear it every day for the rest of my life.

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