Tonight I heard it, or felt it, almost tasted it even. What was "it"? The closest thing I can describe it as, was the heartbeat of God. It felt
like I had reached out and touched the pulse of the world in all of its fast pace, the good and the bad. In my mind I could
see cities and neighborhoods. I saw all ages, people, even countries worlds away. I
could briefly hear the singing of a distant third world church. I felt
connected to them in a way I have not felt ever before. With all this came this immense
feeling of peace for people, and a desire to help. I held no grudges, felt no anger. There was an
abounding love pouring into and out of me. The most astonishing thing to be was the feeling of detachment
though. In the past I have always been a person who wants to please others,
live up to their expectations, to have life planned. Tonight I let them all go. Every expectation for
my life, every desire I have had, I put it down. I smile even now as I type,
feeling the dust or travel on my feet. I know I am not home. I felt for a
moment like a wanderer, taking the opportunities to love as they came, not attached to a plan or agenda. We always come
to the thrown lonely, naked, and poor, and I am not different, coming into this world with nothing. The Bible says to the lukewarm church in Rev 3: “You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’
But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked.
18 I counsel you to buy
from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to
wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes,
so you can see.” And once he has clothed us, loved us, and given
us a place with Him, He asks that we bring others to Him so he can do the same
for them.
I felt my call again, a desire to do the work of the Lord
with all my life. It was like an echo of a song I couldn’t resist. I let
everything go, not in a way where I don’t care or give up. I don’t feel apathy
or darkness, the way I usually deal with pain or fear. I felt hope! I felt like
nothing people expected of me mattered, and nothing I expected of me mattered
either. I feel like I can go anywhere, and do anything as I am called. Right
now though He asked me to wait, to love where there was opportunity, to keep my
eyes focused on Him. I asked for His plan, but He told me to just take it as it
comes. I have never felt so free. Though a small part of me wants to know what
He is going to do, most of me just sighs in relief. I can feel joy tingling
through me. Joy really does come after pain. God has changed me, and I don’t
want to go back, not ever. He told me I would be grounded in His plan again
soon enough, but still free. I am Christina, far from home, belonging only to God, waiting for marching orders. I hope you hear the heartbeat, I want to hear it again, hear it every day for the rest of my life.
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